Fair Fight Guidelines

Taken from:

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/21238/fair-fight-guidelines

Thirty years of marriage counseling and twenty-five years of a second
marriage have convinced me that fights are not necessary in a
marriage. Married couples need to have discussions, they need to solve
problems, and sometimes they need to disagree, but they don't need to
squabble, argue, bicker, or fight. Fights are dramatic, which is not
helpful to a discussion. If you have enough energy to create drama,
you have more than enough to tone it down into a discussion. However,
because social expectations and mythology are so strong, many of my
clients want guidelines for "fighting fair." I've developed a set of
Fair Fight Guidelines you may find helpful.

Fair Fight Guidelines

• Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be
  right, or make your partner wrong.
• Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be
  right, or make your partner wrong.
• Don't try to mind read. Ask instead what he or she is thinking.
• Don't bring up all the prior problems that relate to this one. Leave
  the past in the past; keep this about one recent problem. Solve one
  thing at a time.
• Keep the process simple. State the problem, suggest some alternatives,
  and choose a solution together.
• Don't talk too much at once. Keep your statements to two or three
  sentences. Your partner will not be able to grasp more than that.
• Give your partner a chance to respond and to suggest options.
• Practice equality. If something is important enough to one of you, it
  will inevitably be important to both of you, so honor your partner's
  need to solve a problem.
• Ask and Answer questions directly. Again, keep it as simple as
  possible. Let your partner know you hear him or her.
• State your problem as a request, not a demand. To make it a positive
  request, use "I messages" and "please".
• Don't use power struggle tactics: guilt and obligation, threats and
  emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, or
  hammering away are off limits.
• Know your facts: If you're going to fight for something, know the
  facts about the problem: Do research, find out what options are
  available, and know how you feel and what would solve the problem for
  you.
• Ask for changes in behavior, don't criticize character, ethics or
  morals.
• Don't fight over who's right or wrong. Opinions are opinions, and that
  won't solve the problem. Instead, focus on what will work.
• Ask your partner if he or she has anything to add to the discussion.
  "Is there anything else we need to discuss now?"
• Don't guess what your partner is thinking or feeling. Instead, ask.
  "What do you think?" Or "How do you feel about it?"
• Don't guess what your partner is thinking or feeling. Instead, ask.
  "What do you think?" Or "How do you feel about it?"
• Hold hands, look at each other, and remember you're partners.
• If you're angry, express it calmly. "I'm angry about ..." There's no
  need for drama, and it won't get you what you want. Anger is satisfied
  by being acknowledged, and by creating change. Anger is a normal
  emotion -- rage is phony, it's drama created by not taking care of
  yourself.
• Acknowledged and honor your partner's feelings -- don't deflect them,
  laugh at them or freak out. They're only feelings, and they subside
  when respected, heard and honored.
• Listen with your whole self. Paraphrase what your partner says; check
  to see if you understand by repeating what is said. "So you are angry
  because you think I ignored you. Is that right?"
• No personal attacks or criticism. Focus on solving the problem.
• If you want to let off steam (vent), ask permission or take a time
  out. Handle your excess emotion or energy by being active (run, walk,
  hit a pillow,) writing, or talking to someone who is not part of the
  problem. Don't direct it personally at anyone. You can't vent and
  solve problems at the same time.
• Don't try to solve a problem if you're impaired: tired, hungry, drunk
  or unstable.
• Surrender to your responsibility. When you become aware that you have
  made a mistake, admit it, and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to
  learn and grow.

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist in private
practice in Long Beach, California, since 1978 and author of 11 books
in 14 languages, including "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of
Dysfunction," "How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" and "The
Unofficial Guide to Dating Again." She publishes the "Happiness Tips
from Tina" e-letter, and hosts "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits
for the subconscious" on WPMD.org and leisuretalk.net. Her web site is
tinatessina.com.